THE WANDERERS #11
JUSTICE ON THE ROAD
By Rick Sieman
When we last left Carl and Emma, The Whale had been shot right through the engine block by an over-eager Georgia traffic officer who aimed his .357 Magnum by mistake, thinking it was his new radar gun.
Needless to say, Carl was more than a bit upset to find a hole the size of a bowling ball in his 454 engine. He was mollified somewhat, however, when Officer LaRue Honker offered to have his brother-in-law fix the damages.
It would take some time, so Officer Honker invited Carl and Emma to be his guests in the friendly town of Log Jam while a new motor was being shaped. Honker also offered to make Carl an official deputy (on the payroll, too!), and let him trap a few speeders.
The two men had a lot in common, being ex-Navy men and off-roaders, alike. Honker even had a Land Cruiser and promised to show him some of the nicest trails in the area.
***
We join them now, as Carl is sitting in Officer Honkers' patrol car, a black and white AMC Marlin with a gumball machine on the roof the size of a fireplug. Carl displayed an ear-to-ear smile as Officer Honker pinned a deputy badge to his shirt.
"Carl, you are now an official officer of the law, ready to do battle against speeders and such. Now, I'm not telling you to be prejudiced or anything, but I sure like to nab law-breakers with New York plates, especially guys in those bucks-up Mercedes and BMWs and such. I pretty much don't like to pester hard-working local folks. I mean, they got to get to work and all that."
"I can understand that, Hinkler. I personally find New Yorkers rude and bad mannered."
"That's Honker."
"Yeah. that's what I said. Anyways, I also don't like people who drive Volkswagen busses with peace signs on them. They are not only a hazard on the roads, they're usually filled with dope-smoking hippies playing that trash music."
"Carl, we are gonna git along just fine, I think. By the way, looks like your missus and my wife, Velveeta, hit it off right nice."
"Yup. She's really impressed by your wife's book collection. It's not everyone that can claim to own every TV Guide ever printed, as well as all the Sears mail order catalogs back to 1941."
"They should be busy while we're out working. Velveeta is also gonna take Emma to a knitting club later on today. They been workin' on a quilt 60 feet by 35 feet with a Confederate flag pattern for six years now. "
"Well, enough ********-chat. Let's get to work. First thing we do is synchronize watches. I got 8:47."
"Mine says 9:05."
"Close enough. Now here's the drill. I point this here radar gun at that downhill about a mile off and you read the miles per hour on the dash. If they're over the speed limit, you get out and wave 'em over to the side of the road. Then we write 'em up and take 'em to the judge."
"Great. What's the speed limit on the downhill?"
"Well, it's 55 approaching the crest and 25 on the down hill side. There's a sign by the side of the road telling them the right speed to travel."
"Where?"
"Over there under that Mail Pouch sign. It's got a little bitty bush in front of it, but you can see it real clear if you look hard left as you go by."
"Uhh, just a question. How come you make that stretch of road 25 mph when all the rest of the roads are 55 mph?"
"Oh, about six years ago, some pinhead in a Winnebago lost his brakes coming down that hill and took out a pecan pie stand at the curve at the bottom of the hill. The judge's sister owned that stand and nearly got splattered. Pecan pies were everywhere. It was ugly."
"Okie-dokie. Whoops, here comes a car now. Looks like a big Caddie-lack. Git your radar gun pointed, Honda."
"That's Honker."
"Right. OK, that Caddy is doing 68 mph and straddling the centerline. Do we grab him?"
"You bet your shorts! Wave him over. "
The long Caddy pulled over to the side of the road with a squeal from the tires. It sported a set of New York plates
that read "LAWYER". The driver got out, red-faced, and started yelling and howling up a storm. He had an open shirt and wore a lot of gold chains around his neck.
Honker put on his mirrored sunglasses and casually strode over to the fuming driver. "License sir, if you please."
"What is this? Some kind of hick speed trap? I was doing a steady 55. You guys short on your quota or something?"
"Please remove the license, sir, and hand it to me."
"Look, my name's Murray, and I'm a lawyer and I know how the system works, guys. Why don't we just have a little understanding here, and I'll be on my way. Here's my license."
Murray the lawyer handed the license to Honker and a one hundred dollar bill fluttered to the ground. Officer Honker bent down and picked up the bill, handed it back to Murray and said, "You dropped this, sir."
Murray gave a hurt look. "Oh no, not me. Can't be mine, Must be yours. Yep. That C-note is definitely yours. Well, look, I'll just be on my way now and I'll sure keep the speed down." And with that, Murray winked.
Officer Honker bristled. "It appears to me, sir, that you are attempting to bribe an officer of the law. This is not a good thing to do. Not here, in Log Jam, Georgia. You folks up in the big city might do that sort of stuff on a regular basis, but we run things different down here."
Officer Honker flipped open his ticket book, licked the end of an Eberhard-Faber #2 pencil and started writing: "Lessee. Sixty-eight in a 25 zone, crossing over the center line, attempted bribery of a law officer, reckless operation of a ..."
Murray exploded: "Why, you *#@#*$#@ geek slime-ball $##+@*&%#$ ,rat-faced #@$&*@# hill-billy porker #@#+@##@+#@ %$&!* red-necked$#%$#%# son of a ..."
Officer Honker remained unfazed : " ... profanity in public, threatening a law officer, and it appears that you have a turn signal bulb burnt out. Perhaps we ought to do a full safety check on this vee-hickle here before we proceed on down the road to meet the judge."
Murray dropped his jaw all the way to the third chain on his chest.
"Now, wait a minute officer, I apologize for popping off, but why don't I just sign that ticket and let's go see the judge? After all, we're all Americans, right?"
Carl walked over to the Caddy and peered inside. "He's got a six pack of beer on the seat, LaRue, and three of the cans are crushed up and one appears to be half full. We got us a menace here."
Officer Honker continued writing: " ... driving under the in¬fluence of ... "
Murray went nuts. "You dirty %#%#$&$#$#, I'm gonna sue you for every dime you got. I'll buy this hick town and then burn it to the ground!"
" ... threat of arson, and that should just about cover it for now. Sign here, sir. And then follow us down the road to the judge. We'll try to get this over with as quickly as possible."
As a fuming Murray the lawyer followed the police car into town, Carl talked with LaRue.
"What's gonna happen with this guy, LaRue?"
"Oh, the judge'll nail him on the speeding and the open con¬tainer with some pretty stiff fines, then when he starts to panic, the judge will offer to drop then rest of the charges if he apologizes to us and promises not to ever do it again. That guy will be so happy to get out of here, that he won't even snivel about the fines. We could slap his sleazy butt behind bars, but it might disturb Jimmy the Wino who sleeps there every night. Wouldn't want that."
Later that afternoon, Murray paid $788.49 in fines and headed south to Miami, five miles per hour under the speed limit, with his head searching the horizon like a prairie dog worried about red-tailed hawks.
Four hours later, Carl and LaRue had caught and delivered seven more speeders to the judge, but they were all rather sim¬ple, straightforward deals. Carl bit off a chew of Big Dog chew¬ing tobacco and offered LaRue a chunk. The two men chewed and spat brown slugs for a few minutes, then Carl asked, "Larry, do you ever ... "
"That's LaRue, Cal."
"Right. Say, do you ever get any really weird cases out here? Even weirder than that New York weasel?"
"Yup. We got one real problem that crops up every now and then. There's a couple of crooks from the next county over, and they've been stealin' 4-x4s off'n the folks around here. Every time I try to catch 'em , they just head off road and I lose 'em. They musta got a half dozen rigs in the last four months."
As the words left Officer Honkers mouth, the radio crackled. "This here's Deputy Durdblatt back at the station. We got another 4x4 theft. They took the hardware store owner's Blazer and they're heading your way. Blue Blazer with a white top. See if you can get 'em!"
