THE WANDERERS #4
IN SEARCH OF THE WORLD'S BIGGEST RABBIT
By Rick Sieman
When we last left them, Carl and Emma had been snowed-in at Santa's Village in Alaska long enough to cause Carl to miss the Super Bowl game, which did not improve his disposition. We join them as The Whale lumbers south, away from Alaska, at exactly two miles per hour over the posted speed limit:
***
"It's enough to make a grown man toss his cookies right on the dash, Emma. Here's two 40-yard-line tickets to the Super Bowl and I never got a chance to use 'em. Cost me two hunnert bucks each; maybe I should frame them and hang 'em on the wall."
Carl rolled the window down and blasted a stream of tobacco juice out of the window, splattering a passing station wagon across two-thirds of the windshield and depositing yet another layer of stains on the side of The Whale.
Emma sighed and paused momentarily in her crocheting. "Carl, you haven't told me just where we're heading, and I do wish you'd be more careful when you spit out that window. That poor station wagon nearly went off the road when you covered his windshield."
"I'm not sure exactly where yet. Mostly, I just want to get as far away from snow and cold weather as I can without ending up in Peru or some other communist country. Texas was pretty warm when we passed through it; maybe we ought to head down there and find some dirt roads that ain't been explored before. Yeah, that's it ... Texas! The Lode Star State."
"You mean Lone Star, dear?"
"That's what I said. Anyway, why don't you try to get a good station on the radio ... and none of that modern crap like the Beatles or the Monkees. See if you can get some polkas or Benny Goodman."
"Emma fiddled with the elaborate radio. "You know Carl, I never could figure this radio out. It's got more controls on it than an airplane and it cost us more than a small car."
"Emma, that's a serious set-up. Nothin' but the best goes in The Whale. It's got 200 amps and twice as many volts, an eternal equalizer, AM-FM-PM, police, hospital and mortician bands, woofers, honkers and tweeters, Dolby and Molby, instant replay cassettes, a spastic filter, whiffledonks, multi-tuning forks, eight speed signal hunters and a half dozen red lights that flash on and off a lot. Can't get much better than that!"
Emma finally found a control that switched stations and started scanning:
…SCAN…
" ... soy beans are up and pork bellies are down, while wheat futures are swaying in the breeze ..."
…SCAN…
" ... you're going to burn forever if you don't send in your love offering right now, to P.O. Box ..."
…SCAN…
" ... and that concludes our 27 Golden Oldies hits in a row without a commercial break. Say, do you suffer from ... "
…SCAN…
" ... pork bellies are definitely up and soy beans are down, while wheat futures are holding steady ..."
…SCAN…
" ... legislative bill number 47 is complicated, but if you take the time to study it in depth, you can see that ..."
…SCAN…
" ... very few recordings of the Bulgarian Opera Company have been released in the last twenty years, but we stumbled on a six record set that should highlight the dulcet tones of Fundwar Ksonitski and ... "
…SCAN…
" ... wheat futures, according to the experts, are soaring, while both pork bellies and soy beans are plummeting ... "
…SCAN…
" ... looks like rabbit hunting season is in full swing in Texas, with great reports from ... "
"Hold it light there, Emma! We got us a real station. Now quit clicking those needles so loud, so's I can hear what's happening!"
" ... rabbits the size of Buicks are roaming the hills and hunters are heading home with full gunny sacks of the long-eared critters. And the center of the action appears to be Bonzo, Texas, home of the annual rabbit hunting tournament. So, if you're in the area, stop in and sign up. Who knows? You could be the winner of the $25,000 first place prize for the biggest rabbit. Jot this number down and ... "
The Whale screeched to a halt on the shoulder and Carl scribbled down the number, then whipped out a road map, followed some lines with a thick fore-finger and yelped, "Buckle up, Emma! We gotta make 1500 miles in the next two days!"
***
Texas. Wide, flat, lonely highways, miles with no houses, sparse traffic, bullet-riddled road signs, dead armadillos splattered on the scorching hot pavement and gnarly looking cattle nibbling on vegetation that would gag a house fly.
The Whale rumbled down the arrow straight empty road, substantially over the speed limit, the 454 cubic inch engine barely working up a sweat in the process.
Emma took over the wheel for a while, and Carl cleaned his guns in the back seat while Emma shuddered. Every once in a while, Carl would peer out the window at an imaginary rabbit, cock his finger and make bang-bang sounds with an evil grin on his face. "Gotcha, Bugs Bunny! Kapowie, right between the ears. Rabbit burgers coming up on the grill!"
***
They arrived in Bonzo, Texas, after a grueling drive. The town consisted of a Texaco gas station, one small diner, a hardware store and perhaps 200 houses loosely scattered around the main street. Carl stopped in at the station and tanked up, noting a poster for the rabbit hunting tournament posted next to a stack of dusty Yoohoo