WANDERERS # 26
IN THE WOODS WITH THE ECO-FREAKS – PT II
BY RICK SIEMAN
Last time, Carl and Emma met an 83 year-old Jeep fanatic named Bubba Joe LaRue Honker, or Bub, for short. Bub's World War II Jeep had two machine guns, a bazooka and a flame thrower mounted, as well as dozens of other vintage weapons. Even stranger, Bub had an 18 year old wife. Bub offered to show Carl and Emma the way back through the woods to a good fishing spot, and warned them that there were some eco-freaks out in the woods.
***
We join them now as they're parked in front of Elvis Presley High School, waiting for Bub's wife to get out of class. People walking by do double-takes at the huge Suburban, with two trail bikes, a boat, satellite dish and awnings mounted, then do a triple-take when they see Bub's Jeep, looking like something out of a low-budget Road Warriors movie.
A cluster of students left the building, and a spectacular blond, who made Dolly Parton look like a pool cue, shrieked happily and ran up to the Jeep. "Bubba, honey! How nice of you to pick me up from school. And who are these nice people?"
"Well, this here's Carl and Emma, and I figured we'd take 'em up to No Fish Lake and maybe catch us a few lunkers. Folks, this here's my wife, Bubbles."
Bubbles bubbled-over and giggled. "Pleased to meet you. Hope you don't mind me bein' all sweaty and such, but I just got done with cheer-leading practice."
Carl shook hands with Bubbles and stared at her stunning bosoms, which were restrained underneath a Mutant Ninja Turtles T-shirt that was several sizes too small.
" Uhh, same here, Boobies... I mean Bosoms... I mean ... that is..."
Emma gave him a short shot to the ribs with her elbow. "Don't mind him, dear. Ex-Navy men just seem to have no manners. I'm very pleased to make your acquaintance."
Bubbles beamed. "Ooooh, another military man! I just love soldiers and sailors. That's one of the reasons I married Bubba. One look at him in his uniform, and I just melted. I met him when I was working as a waitress at the local VFW."
Bub smiled broadly "Cuter'n a bug, ain't she? Well, enough jibber-jabber. Let's head on up to the lake and git us some fish before they go to sleep for the night."
Carl was amazed at how skillfully Bub drove the Jeep down the two-track dirt roads, dodging rain ruts and rocks easily. And when they took a side road off through the deep woods, Bub slipped cleanly between the trees, hardly disturbing a leaf in the process. Carl, on the other hand, was forced to listen to the sounds of branches scratching his paint, as the huge Suburban tried to fit in spaces made for Jeeps.
They drove to the top of a hill, and Bub parked the Jeep. "Thought you might like to see the view."
Everyone got out and stretched their legs. Down below them, was a beautiful little lake, surrounded by pleasant groves of trees. Even from this distance, they could see a few ripples in the water from fish feeding.
Emma opened up the picnic basket and passed around some sand¬wiches and potato chips. They all sat there, enjoying the sur¬roundings, when the sound of metallic hammering broke through the air.
Emma's eyes widened. "What on earth is that!"
Bub sighed. "I was afraid of that. Sounds like those damn tree-spikers at work. Earth Firsters, they call themselves."
Carl stuffed half a sandwich in his mouth. "Whyyiupphh ith thiff gorpppph baffff …”
Emma looked disgusted. "Carl, please don't try to talk with your mouth full. How many times have I told you that?"
"Sorry dear. I tend to forget. What I was wonderin' about, is just what is a tree-spiker and an Earth Fister?"
Bub shook his head from side to side, sadly. “Earth Firster, not Fister, but that's probably a better name Here's the deal. The Forest Service comes up here about once year and marks some trees out for thinning, local folks bid on it, and harvest the trees. They sell them to a lumber company and make a few bucks. These people don’t like that."
Carl looked confused. "Why not? Anybody who knows anything about woods knows that thinning is good for trees. You cut some of the big ones down and it lets the little ones get some sun¬light and turn into big ones. And these woods look pretty good to me."
Bub sighed. "Yup. And the folks around here have been har¬vesting trees as far back as I can remember. These woods don't look any different than when I was a kid. But these idiots are stomping around in the woods, spiking trees that are marked for harvest."
Emma frowned. "What's tree spiking?"
"Well, they pound a bunch of big long nails into the tree, then cover up the gouge marks with some mud and wood chips. Then when the logger goes to cut the tree down, his chain saw hits the spike and all hell breaks loose. We had a half dozen of local folks hurt; one of 'em is still in the hospital. It's gittin' so we're scared to walk in the woods nowadays."
Carl got real red in the face and bit his cigar in half. "Who are these people? What are they? Commies or something?"
"Most of 'em is long-haired hippies who don't work. Some of 'em is local college kids with more time on their hands than brains. Ain't nuthin' that thinks they know more than a pimply-faced kid whose Daddy is payin' for his schooling. It's worse in the summer when they ain't goin' to classes. They camp out in the woods, smoke dope all day long and play guitars all night. Then about once a week, they go into town and pick up Daddy's check at the post office. Sad state of affairs."
Carl's eyes nearly bugged out of his head. "Well, what inna hell are the authorities doin' about this?"
"Not much. First, you gotta catch 'em in the act, then when they do catch 'em, some slick lawyer has 'em out on bail the next day. They don't carry any ID, give the judge a phony name, and jist jump bail and move on. And they's another one to take his place. Anyways, enough of this talk. Let's go catch some fish, what say?"
An hour later, Emma had already caught three nice-sized trout and lost another half dozen. Bub had a string of small-mouthed bass and a huge blue-gill. Bubbles had her limit of trout and two bass, while Carl still had an empty stringer. He did catch one tiny blue-gill, which Emma made him throw back. Bubbles caught two more bass in less than a minute, right next to where Carl was working a shallow spot off the bank.
Bubbles was all smiles. "That's it for me. I'm all fished out. Emma, would you like to take a trail drive with me, and I'll show Lovers Leap. That's where Bub and I went on our first date. You boys see if you can fill up the ice chest. Me an Emma are gonna take a drive and talk some girl talk."
Bub expertly tossed a line under a branch. "Now you take it easy with my Jeep, ya hear? See you girls back in an hour so, OK?”
A half hour later, Carl got a big bite and yanked hard on his line. A small trout flipped up out of the water and sailed over Carl's head, into the woods behind him. "Well, looks like I got me a keeper if I can find him."
Carl pushed his way through the thick brush, looking for the trout. Before he had gone ten feet, he saw a cluster of people standing there, looking very hostile. Carl stayed calm. “Hi do there. Any of you guys seen a trout fly in here?"
The group of six men stared at Carl. They all had long hair and were scruffy looking. Three of them were bare-footed and the others had sandals made out of tire-tread. The biggest one spoke: "You have just violated the rights of this fish. We're putting it back in the water."
Carl bristled. "Like hell you are! That's the first decent fish I caught today, and I am going to eat that sucker. After I cook it, of course."
The smallest one piped up: "It's wrong to eat any animals. Animals have the same rights as humans. In fact, they have more rights; they were here first."
Carl looked confused for a second, then brightened: "Then howcome it's OK for fish to eat each other? Answer me that, hippie?”
The smallest one stopped cold, jaw hanging. "Well... uhhh that is... uhhh.”
The big one stepped in. "Never mind all that double-talk. This fish goes back in the water and you and your friend get out of here right now. And walk out. Your gas-guzzling truck has four flats."
Carl nearly exploded. "No it don't, you pencil-necked geek. It's sittin' there right in front of your dirt-encrusted face. Maybe those rings in your ears have infected your brain cells."
The big one gave an evil grin. "It WILL have some flats in a bit. Boys, get the spikes out."
With that, three of them whipped some ten inch nails out of a cloth bag and stomped through the brush toward The Whale. Carl started to protest, but two of them drew out wicked-looking knifes.
The group barged through the brush, with Carl in tow. Bub figured it out in a flash. "Don't make any sudden moves, Carl. These are them Earth First loonies I was tellin' you about."
The big one got down on his knees and pounded a spike right through the sidewall of the right front tire of The Whale. Air hissed out and the huge Suburban slumped to the ground. The spiker grinned, and walked around to the other side.
Steam was coming out of Carl's ears. "You dumb *~$$*))&$##$%&, that's a $200 Gumbo Mudder with only 6,000 miles on it."
The big one raised the hammer again. "Not any more it ain't. I figure it's worth nothing except to be made into sandals now."
A moment before the second spike drove into the tire, a rattling round of shots ripped through the air. "Don't move, you maggot-infested hippies'"
Carl looked up. It was Emma and Bubbles. Smoke was coming out of the front machine gun and Emma had the bazooka aimed at the guy with the hammer. She had a hard look on her face. "Make one move, buster, and I'll put a hole through you that won't heal until the next ice age arrives."
Bubbles ratcheted another belt into the machine gun. Should I kill 'em, Bubba, or just blow their knee caps off?"
Carl held up his hand. "No. Let's be reasonable this." He then took the hammer off the big one, calmly walked around, and tapped each one of the terrorists on the forehead with a loud dull thunk! Soon, all six of them were on the ground, eyes glazed, out like the proverbial kitchen light.
Hours later, the sheriff was thanking them profusely, and the Earth Firsters were behind bars. "I don't know how y'all managed to capture all these freaks, but it's a job well done. Congratu-lations."
Carl beamed. "No thanks need, Sheriff. After all, me and Bub here are both military and had the situation under control from the git-go."
Emma and Bubbles exchanged looks, then Emma spoke up firmly:
That's OK, but guess what? You boys are cleaning the fish."
![url]](http://[url]http://i230.photobucket.com/albums/ee308/stoneshrink/83%20diesel/P7230901_zpszgcr4eni.jpg[/url])
