My thoughts and experience...
Warning: Novella ensues.
I've been following this thread closely. While I can't relate to most of your experiences, I, too, have felt the cruel slap of PTSD/Depression. It's not a subject that should be taken lightly at all. Before I relate my own story, I would like to touch on some of the posts already here in the thread...
Scott & ExPo Crew: Thank you all, so much, for creating this forum. I feel that we, as a whole, have grown to much more than a gathering of posters sharing a common interest, as practically all web-forums are. We've, partly because of this thread, partly because of TerriAnn's Apology thread, and many others along the way, become more of a close-knit community of friends (if not--dare I say it--a family), who just happen to all share a common interest. Thank you all, again, for creating a forum where discussions such as this can take place, in a peaceful, respectful, and mind-opening way. A Forum where people can come with their personal problems, and not feel ashamed to admit that they need help. A place where members can tell it like it is, without being brash or crude. ExPo has become a permanent fixture in my browser, and I, for one, am happy to see it expanding as well as it is. Keep up the good work, guys!
Rex: I can't claim to know what you're going through right now, because I don't. I can't claim to know how you're feeling, because I don't. What I do know (at least from what I've read of your posts here on ExPo) is that you are a strong-willed, ambitious and creative person, and it's going to take a lot more than a few set-backs to break you. Being the strong person that you are, I'm glad to see you being pro-active and seeking professional help for your issues. They're not something to be taken lightly, or brushed-off to the back burner, or "John Wayne'd" away. Please continue to seek guidance through these dark times. You'll come away from this chapter in your book with a new outlook. Keep your head up, bud, things always work out the way they're supposed to!
Brad (Tucson T4R): Genetically induced Depression is a major fear of mine. My Mother, her two siblings, and both of her parents have suffered from this for as long as I can remember. I haven't gotten to the point in my life where it has taken a strong-hold on me yet, but I feel that it's coming. I've battled depression before, but it was always event triggered. Thanks for your suggestions regarding the Enneagram test. I've taken one in the past, and it helped one of my counselors understand me, and helped me understand myself. It's a great tool to have! Keep doing what you're doing.
kellymoe: First of all, thank you for what you do. If it weren't for the courage of people like you, the world would be a very frightening place to live (as if it's not already...). The loss of someone close to you is never an easy thing to deal with. A quote that I think you'll find helpful:
"People today are too focused on making a damn dollar, when they should be more focused on making a damn difference!" - Fr. Abbot Aidan Shea, OSB, St. Anselm's Abbey, Washington, D.C. - This was delivered as part of my High School graduation ceremony from St. Anselm's Abbey School. Attending an Abbey school really shaped me, and this quote in particular has stuck with me forever.
You and your FF brethren are on the right side of that quote. You guys make a difference every day. Thank you. I know it can be hard if not completely impossible to deal with the after-effects, I've been there myself (I'll touch on that soon). You guys help so many people, and we are all forever indebted to you and your brethren--though we hope we never have to need your help.
To everyone else that I haven't addressed individually: Don't take this as an affront to what you're dealing with, I don't mean it as such. Everyone's issues, no matter how minor they may seem in the grand scheme, can be incapacitating, and utterly catastrophic to your day-to-day life, relationships, and personality. Take this thread to heart, I know I have. If you're not feeling like yourself, maybe it's time to make a change. If you feel like your job is no good for you, take BigAl's doctors advice, get a new one. It's never too late to make a change for the better!! If you haven't read it, I highly recommend reading The Freedom Writers Diary. It's a great example of the difference that one motivated person can make! Don't sit idly by while the world goes by and leaves you in its dust. This will only make things worse. You need to be pro-active. The first step to recovery is self-awareness. Only you know what you're really feeling/thinking/going through. Take the time to analyze it, meditate on it, reflect on it, whatever, but don't just let it go.
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Now that I've bored you all with my responses to the thread so far, I'm going to add my own chapter...this part could also be rather lengthy, so bear with me...
I'd also like to offer this disclaimer. The following portion of this post may contain graphic material and does contain extremely emotional material. Please use your own best discretion in reading.
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I used to volunteer with an EMS/ALS (Paramedic Ambulance) squad when I lived in Virginia. We got called to the worst of the worst. 9/11 at the Pentagon, Car accidents, gun-shots, stabbings, etc. I was a very gung-ho person at the time, and thought that nothing could shake me. Boy, was I wrong! My second to last day on the squad, we were called to an LvA (locomotive vs. automobile) incident. I had been called to one before, and it was bad, but I wasn't prepared for what was coming. I had expected, as anyone being called to an LvA would, complete and utter devastation. I had prepared myself mentally for that. What I found on scene was earth-shattering. Not only was there not complete devastation, the car was still mostly intact. The train had only come in contact with the driver's side rear of the car. There were 5 occupants in the vehicle, 3 adults, and two children. The cases involving children were always extremely hard, but this one simply broke me. Mom and Dad were riding up front. Grandma and the kids were in back. Dad was driving, and Grandma was sitting directly behind him. When we got to the car, 4 of the 5 occupants were DoA. The 5th, a 5-year-old girl named Michaela, had managed to crawl into the front seat. She had curled up with her already dead mother. She had suffered severe head and internal bodily injuries, and was bleeding profusely from numerous lacerations. I asked her name, she said “Michaela.” I asked how old she was, she said “Five.” I told her everything was going to be OK. She looked me right in the eye, and said “It hurts.” Then...just like that, she was gone.
For the first time since joining the squad, I didn't sleep that night. Every time I tried to close my eyes, all I saw was her blank stare.
The next day, I couldn't even get into the bus. I stood there, next to the ambulance, shaking. Much like I am now...My shift supervisor noticed the abnormal behavior right away and pulled me aside. I broke down. I went through 2 solid days of PTSD debriefing, therapy, the whole nine. I had prided myself on being able to deal with anything. Now, I couldn't even drive across a railroad crossing without breaking into tears. That was my last call.
When I moved to NY, things got better for me. I rediscovered Poetry. I found release in music. I rediscovered my faith. I started doing meditative relaxation. Things were looking up for me. I'm in a place now, where I have a great support network around me. Great friends, great family. I'm grateful every day for them. If it weren't for my friends and family...well, I hate to even think about it. I know that finding release in music, poetry and meditation has helped me redevelop my relationships with my friends and family after that day though.
Some days are better than others, but every time I close my eyes, I still see her face. She is engraved in my mind and heart forever.
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Basically, anyone in a position like that, Fire Rescue EMS/Police/Military, etc, needs to have a strong support network, a good release mechanism, and an ability to thoroughly process the days events, otherwise they can haunt you forever in the form of nightmares, daymares, flashbacks—all of the symptoms of PTSD discussed earlier in the thread.
