Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

[UK4X4]

Well that got me in tears.........

 

[Streakerfreak]

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I used to volunteer with an EMS/ALS (Paramedic Ambulance) squad when I lived in Virginia. We got called to the worst of the worst. 9/11 at the Pentagon, Car accidents, gun-shots, stabbings, etc. I was a very gung-ho person at the time, and thought that nothing could shake me. Boy, was I wrong! My second to last day on the squad, we were called to an LvA (locomotive vs. automobile) incident. I had been called to one before, and it was bad, but I wasn't prepared for what was coming. I had expected, as anyone being called to an LvA would, complete and utter devastation. I had prepared myself mentally for that. What I found on scene was earth-shattering. Not only was there not complete devastation, the car was still mostly intact. The train had only come in contact with the driver's side rear of the car. There were 5 occupants in the vehicle, 3 adults, and two children. The cases involving children were always extremely hard, but this one simply broke me. Mom and Dad were riding up front. Grandma and the kids were in back. Dad was driving, and Grandma was sitting directly behind him. When we got to the car, 4 of the 5 occupants were DoA. The 5th, a 5-year-old girl named Michaela, had managed to crawl into the front seat. She had curled up with her already dead mother. She had suffered severe head and internal bodily injuries, and was bleeding profusely from numerous lacerations. I asked her name, she said “Michaela.” I asked how old she was, she said “Five.” I told her everything was going to be OK. She looked me right in the eye, and said “It hurts.” Then...just like that, she was gone.

For the first time since joining the squad, I didn't sleep that night. Every time I tried to close my eyes, all I saw was her blank stare.

The next day, I couldn't even get into the bus. I stood there, next to the ambulance, shaking. Much like I am now...My shift supervisor noticed the abnormal behavior right away and pulled me aside. I broke down. I went through 2 solid days of PTSD debriefing, therapy, the whole nine. I had prided myself on being able to deal with anything. Now, I couldn't even drive across a railroad crossing without breaking into tears. That was my last call.

When I moved to NY, things got better for me. I rediscovered Poetry. I found release in music. I rediscovered my faith. I started doing meditative relaxation. Things were looking up for me. I'm in a place now, where I have a great support network around me. Great friends, great family. I'm grateful every day for them. If it weren't for my friends and family...well, I hate to even think about it. I know that finding release in music, poetry and meditation has helped me redevelop my relationships with my friends and family after that day though.

Some days are better than others, but every time I close my eyes, I still see her face. She is engraved in my mind and heart forever.

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Basically, anyone in a position like that, Fire Rescue EMS/Police/Military, etc, needs to have a strong support network, a good release mechanism, and an ability to thoroughly process the days events, otherwise they can haunt you forever in the form of nightmares, daymares, flashbacks—all of the symptoms of PTSD discussed earlier in the thread.

I don't even know what to say.... That is really powerful and heart wrenching. I don't think I could have handled that.

 

[ntsqd]

As of last night Rex has lost net access. He may or may not be able to get it fixed today. There is not much local support for him. I would ask that anyone with contact numbers to give him a call.

 

[Rexsname]

A bit of improvement

Thursday was quite a rough day......the stress of going to the jail that I used to work at to see Carrie, the joy of seeing her smiling face and hearing how much she loves me. The arriveing home to find people there to take possesion of our 5th Wheel and Dodge 3500, keys and titles. I knew that was comng but it still hit me like a ton of bricks.

Then the intraweb wouldn't work, when your support system is in cyber-web-land its tough when you cant get there . A phone call to one of our own helped tremendously (thanks Thom!)

On friday I had an appointment to have the rear differential looked at. It had developed a small seeping leak and the mechanic said "I installed it, It leaks, I'll fix it....No charge" When he got it all apart he pointed out the source of the leak and it was NOT his fault but mine, I dragged the diff over some rocks and 'chingered' the bottom enough for it to leak. $50.00 please. A fair price but I can scarcely afford the extra expence.

While I was at the shop, Carrie phoned. She is allowed out of her cell one hour every other day for a shower and phone calls. Because I was not at home I missed her call. I was disappointed to say the least and I'm sure she was upset as well.

After that I went to try to open a bank account.............After missing her call my confidence was shot! I was treated as if I had a horrible disease. I explained that I have a mental illness and that my wife who usually takes care of me was incarcerated, could they please help me? I felt like they couldn't shoo me out of thier bank fast enough! Begone! foul begger! Away with you! I finally went back to the credit union that we have allways had out accounts with. I explained as best as I could my problems and fears and they sat me down handed me a box of tissue and got to work! 30 minutes later I was on my way feeling quite a bit better about myself and the situation as a whole.

Then I went to find out why the broadband card stopped working, We have been having problems with our service provider for months and they said it was shut off for non payment. The guy that I paid got on the phone with the main office and helped out. After a while they "found" a over-payment and credited me and got it turned back on. A productive, If exhausting, day. Last night I was so tired that I finnaly got a good nights sleep! What a blessing sleep is! I went to bed at 2140hrs and got out of bed at 0830 felling like a new man. The black thoughts I have been struggling with were replaced with the hymn "Great is thy Faithfulness" runing thru my head. I met with a pastor this afternoon and had a good talk. I have never been afraid to ask for help, I just didn't know who to ask. Thank you all for letting me ask you!!!:wavey:

REX

 

[ExpoMike]

Hi Rex,

Glad to hear today is a much better day then the last couple. Hang in there, keep plugging away and don't ever give up. Outside of what you have posted here, I don't know much more about your situation but it does sound like a rough time right now. Praying for the very best to you and your wife.

Stay positive, keep asking for help when you need it and remember that the worst of times can bring out the best in people. :wavey:

 

[Dave Bennett]

Hang in there Rex, we're in your corner! unk03:

 

[Sloan]

Nice work man, keep the goals small and manageable and don't let things get too big. Also cut yourself some slack if things don't work out or they take longer than planned. Nice work on explaining your situation and asking for help, most people are pretty compassionate. Keep up the good work!

 

[Rexsname]

I am trying to 'keep my head up'. I took the dog to the dog park this morning and did some laps. He allways gets alot of attention and drags me into his new friendships. I usually dont mind but I was not ready to flirt back with the women he was trying to pick up.:hehe:

The sleep aids are working well, but I'm still very apprehensive about taking them. I tried for about 90 minutes to fall asleep with no luck before I took a half a pill. Still Soooooo tired in the afternoon that I feel like I have to take a nap. I dont know how much of that is the depression and how much is just exhaustion (purely physical)

I went to church with a friend yesterday and while I did feel encouraged while I was there, I felt very alone after. Perhaps someone with more spiritual maturity can chime in here with some thoughts on the matter.

I've even tried to offer my thoughts and comments in some of the topics here on ExPo........If nothing else, it gets my mind off of me and thinking about something else.

No real purpose to todays rambelings, just needed someone to talk toeepwall:

REX

 

[Fergie]

I am trying to 'keep my head up'. I took the dog to the dog park this morning and did some laps. He allways gets alot of attention and drags me into his new friendships. I usually dont mind but I was not ready to flirt back with the women he was trying to pick up.:hehe:

The sleep aids are working well, but I'm still very apprehensive about taking them. I tried for about 90 minutes to fall asleep with no luck before I took a half a pill. Still Soooooo tired in the afternoon that I feel like I have to take a nap. I dont know how much of that is the depression and how much is just exhaustion (purely physical)

I went to church with a friend yesterday and while I did feel encouraged while I was there, I felt very alone after. Perhaps someone with more spiritual maturity can chime in here with some thoughts on the matter.

I've even tried to offer my thoughts and comments in some of the topics here on ExPo........If nothing else, it gets my mind off of me and thinking about something else.

No real purpose to todays rambelings, just needed someone to talk toeepwall:

REX

We're listening dude, we're listening.

Gavin

 

[Sloan]

Have you tried something like melatonin for sleeping? I have found for me that falling asleep is a matter of slowing my breathing and practicing a quiet mind. Most people would call it meditation, whatever, the trick that works for me is not trying to have any thoughts at all but when your mind does try to kick in I just say to myself "thinking" and then go back to quiet. I stole the thinking technique from an author/Buddhist monk named Pema Chodrin. Her theory of meditation is not to be rough on yourself when you fail at the quiet mind but to acknowledge the thought and start again. I don't know what your religious leanings are but I have a lot of useful information from a lot of different sources, you might like to check out some of her books. We're here man, you just have to find that little of strength every day and we'll be sending you some good thoughts.

 

[maxingout]

Although I am an eye surgeon by training, I have had to deal with patients and family members beaten down by depression. It is one of the most challenging problems that too many people have to face.

One of the problems with most therapies is that they point you in the right direction, but they don't give you the power to make the trip. Insight is not enough for most people suffering from depression and post traumatic stress disorder.

A few years ago I decided to create a Positive Web Ring that would help people who struggle with the dark thoughts and the twisted thinking and distorted emotions associated with depression. I am not a therapist by any stretch of the imagination, but I do believe that if you want to be free from depression, nobody can stop you.

I created several web sites to help people give their mind a push in a positive direction. The wheel of change always turns in the direction of what you put into your mind, and when you fill your mind with positive things, the direction of your life changes.

You might want to check out a couple of my web sites. They won't cure depression, but most people tell me that they help push your mind in a positive direction. I don't make any money on these sites, and I have nothing to sell. I also don't treat people for depression. Obviously, no web site will ever cure depression. I always recommend that people with depression talk to a qualified professional.

If you care to put a few positive thoughts into your mind, you can check out the following web sites:

http://PositiveSelfTalk.com
http://PositiveThinkingRadio.com

Most important of all, talk to a qualified professional who can assist you with your depressing thoughts. Self treatment is dangerous and may not work.

 

[KG6BWS]

i happened to stumble on this thread and damn near broke down reading it. while i dont deal with the things some of you do, i know what the depression is like. i was kicked out of the navy, diagnosed as having manic depression. a few years later it changed to my doctor saying its just a chemical imbalance in my brain, no big deal, so he says. a few pills will fix that. now, its changed again, now its clinical depression. how do you deal with it?? not a day goes by where im not down. over the last few months my depression has only been getting worse. i guess brought on by my gf leaving, miscarrying my baby, and then my grandfather dying. lately though, a bullet has been sounding like a real good thing. my parents are helping me pay for a therapist, my insurance wont cover it. sorry for the hijack. people like to say that "youre not alone, lots of other people have the same problem you do", but those same people dont really know what its like. i guess its just heartening to see what other people, who do deal with it and who doknow what its like, have to say. and how they are coping with it. its just tuff to work towards healing when you cant do anything but think. it seems like nothing i used to love doing ever helps, i end up sinking right back into my thoughts. it sucks.

sorry again for the hijack. probably all sounds like bs...hell it does to me to. i just dont know what to do anymore.

just took a closer look at the last post. think ill check out the site. hell, at this point, it sure couldnt hurt.

 

[vengeful]

Probably?? I'd say it he everything to do with what has happened! Ending a relationship is hard enough, but you've gone through some very hard times and I, for one, can definitely understand why you're feeling what you are. I realize that typed words offer little solace, but please don't succumb to the "easy way out!!" I know that its easy to talk about that, but you don't want to be remembered that way.

Even though you feel that your situation isn't as bad as some, its be enough that you posted about it. Follow the advice in the thread and please talk to someone. We are here if you need us.

 

[KG6BWS]

the thing is ive been like this all my life. they call it clinical, or major depending on who you talk to, depression. the thing is, like i said, people like to tell you how you SHOULD feel. you read the books, and the articles, and talk to people, and its all 2nd or 3rd hand. it sounds kind of goofy, but it kind of does help to read this thread and to know of other people who have dealt with similar kinds of things. people who arent a "friend of friend of my third couins ninth uncle" or someone that some doctor wrote about in his book. ive actually met a couple of the people in this thread. helps to take some of the anonymity out of it. hell it just helps to be able to type this out. most people, including some of my so called "friends", dont want to sit down with a beer and let me vent, let alone would read enough to type out a response. the hardest part right now is the ups and downs. because the downs go REALLY low, and i never know whats going to set it off. thats actually why my dads got all of my guns right now. i gave them to him because im afraid ill do something stupid. hehe, Epedition Portal - vehicle dependent therapy group.

 

[ntsqd]

snip.....
hehe, Expedition Portal - vehicle dependent therapy group.

To me, vehicles are therapy though some days the only therapy that worked was to take a BFH to an innocent piece of lumber. Those days are now rare, but it comes at the price of age.

I haven't walked your trail, I've no clue what to suggest. All I can do is say I'm listening.