Martyn, I agree with what you just wrote for the most part. Vehicle manufacturers are required to meet certain standards when they design and build vehicles. Those may be SAE, FMVSS or DOT. These laws and regulations are very strict, but only control the manufacturer of new, whole, vehicles. They are not wishy-washy at all.
There are no regulations or laws controlling the manufacture of replacement parts, or parts used in home built vehicles. In Europe, all replacement parts require TUV approval, and it is illegal to use parts without it. In Britain, they have Single Vehicle Approval for home built or heavily modified vehicles. We have nothing like here, in most jurisdictions. I find it amazing that California puts so much effort into CARB regulations, but nobody has done anything about safety related replacement parts.
So, it would be illegal for Adventure Trailers to manufacture a trailer and use non-SAE compliant couplers, for example. It is not illegal for a trailer parts vendor to sell non-compliant couplers, or for private owners to use them in a scratch build or repair. This IS a massive hole in our legal system.
That is not to say that a private owner couldn't be sued for liability should something go wrong. You can sue anybody for anything in the US. But you cannot be sued *because* they used a "non-compliant" part. There is no such law. The only benefit to a private user, for using an SAE compliant part, would be that they could probably be absolved of liability in the case, and pass it on to the manufacturer. Even if they do not purchase an SAE compliant part, they are likely to be able to pass on the liability to the manufacturer of the part, or the store that sold it. The only time you're really on your own, is a purely a home-built coupler. But sometimes it seems like... in the US, it doesn't matter what you do you're going to get sued anyway, so why bother trying, but that's another matter...
NTSQD brings up a very good point, because brake hoses are so contentious. When I worked at Dana, they manufactured brake hoses for OEM's, and as I was buying SS hoses for my car I asked the questions. I was told first of all that there was NO WAY that ANY SS braided hose could ever pass the DOT testing. Period. The SS brake cannot withstand the fatigue during the "Whip Test". Now, that was several years ago, and the person I spoke with may not have known all the latest developments in SS brake hoses because Dana only made rubber hose. But I find it interesting that some SS brake hoses claim to be DOT compliant, and I wonder... But I also found out that it just doesn't matter. No replacement brake hose you can buy is "DOT Certified" because there is no DOT certification process for replacement brake hoses. The DOT certification goes with the vehicle, as a whole, manufactured by an OEM. There is no DOT Certification process for replacement hoses, thus you cannot buy them certified, thus there is no legal requirement to use certified hoses.
I've said this before, the only replacement part I'm aware of which has an iron-clad DOT certification process is tires. They have a stand alone certification, and private users are required by law to use DOT certified tires.