Vance Vanz
Well-known member
Humanness Check In - 1 of 3
Originally this was supposed to go out the first or second week of January, but I’ve been sitting with it a bit. Pretend it went out the second week of January and it will make more sense. It’s going to be a long one!
It has been a long time since I have done a humanness check in. Better late than never!
Let me first start off by saying I hope everyone had a pleasurable and/or meaningful Christmas and New Year! The Holidays can be a mixed bag for people, but I’m rooting for the more hopeful side of things for everyone’s sake ! I have been pushing hard every day (12 hour days minimum) since I got back from Bali, which included straight through the Holidays.
I’ll have to admit that I have been unconsciously and consciously avoiding doing a humanness check in (the good old Sanity and/or Insanity Report 🤪). I’ll elaborate on the avoidance piece in a bit!
Not much has changed for me mentally, emotionally, physiologically and/or relationally since my previous check ins. It’s all the same stuff, just a bit worse/harder, because of the chronicity of it all. The build itself isn’t actually the hardest part of the process. Sure, putting in long days, virtually every day for almost two years now, and the sheer number of things I have to constantly research, design, engineer, fabricate and/or figure out how to build can be overwhelming. Sometimes I just simply want to get something done without having to go through an entire design-engineer-fabrication process. In addition, hand-built resin infused and/or vacuum bagged composite work, and the associated fairing/body work, simply takes forever. Also, add another forever, on top of the already forever, if you want professional/factory looking body work and associated paint/coating. Yes, all of this can wear me down, but this isn’t the toughest part of the build process for me.
The hardest part of this build is the amount of loneliness I feel 😢. The aloneness/loneliness is a combination of pretty much doing the entire build (labor of the build) by myself, not having a family/support system behind me and being in an environment that I would not otherwise be in. Working 12-hour days, seven days a week, in a shop by yourself gets old and lonely pretty quick. Because of the long hours, I leave the house after everyone has started their day and get home when everyone is in bed. My sleep cycle and work hours can also get jacked up if/when a composite layup drags into the wee hours of the night/morning. When this happens, another 16 to 20-hour day occurs. I’m currently on a wake up at 11am-12pm and go to bed at 3-4am cycle that I can’t seem to break because of the last composite all-nighter. Rinse and repeat, every day, week in and week out!
Talk to any professional business owner and/or athlete, anyone trying to accomplish a large, comprehensive and/or difficult/insurmountable feet, and they will often tell you that they have a team behind and with them. This team, if one is fortunate to have, includes not only a team of professionals, but also one’s family. These are people who not only get what you are trying to accomplish, have the actual practical professional experience and skills to help you get it done, but are also those who understand what the process will do to someone on a personal level and most importantly, get you on a personal level. They know not only how to climb Everest and have the equipment to do so, but also what the toll of climbing Everest will entail and how you specifically will be affected during the journey. They are there with you and for you through the good and bad times and in particular when you are in the trenches of the ick and the sh(smiley face)it! This is who you lean on when it is hard, you feel broken, you have nothing left to give and you want to quit. They drag you out of the muck and mud, give you a hug, give you a blanket and something to eat, and eventually put a smile back on your face so you can once again stand on your own two feet. I unfortunately don’t have the close/intimate family aspect of this support and only a little of it on the professional side.
As well as doing the physical work of the build by myself and the lack of a support system (family/team), the original and main driver/passion for the build was gone before the build even started🙁. My main motivation for the build was relational, to build a home for my partner and I, our little nest for traveling the Americas, a means for us to manifest and experience our personal and relational dreams. Sure, I’m capable of building this thing, but I was never super excited about just building an expedition vehicle. My excitement for the expedition vehicle, and willingness to climb Mount Everest (twice with no oxygen) in order to complete the build, was first and foremost for my relationship, then for outdoor adventure sports and international travel. When you lose the primary passion for the build before it even gets started and the second and third passion get pushed so far out because of how long the build is taking (2.5 years instead of 1 year max) you start to lose all passion for the build. You question, and also forget, why the hell you are even still doing the build. The build starts to simply become this material object you are killing yourself to complete for no real purpose and/or passionate/meaningful reason.
In addition to the factors noted above, now remove the environment one would consider home, and/or an environment that one would consider stimulating, and you really start to push the loneliness limits of the human psyche. As I have previously stated in other posts, taking a day off in my current environment is actually a bad thing for me. I feel worse when I take a day off, because I am simply reminded that I am in a city and state that isn’t for me. Rather than taking a day off to engage in some watered-down version of an experience that just leads to disappointment, sadness and frustration, I’d rather just get one more day in on the build. I’d rather be one more day closer to completing the build so I can move on. Another way of putting it is as simply as I can is, you wouldn’t take a creature that travels the vast ocean and place it in a fish tank meant for a studio apartment for 2.5 years.
This is the chronic psychic soup of distress and loneliness I am bathing in, that I’m saturated with.
Yes……, I know I always have a choice in the matter and in my life. I can easily remedy the whole psychic soup of loneliness and distress by simply pulling the plug on the build, saying F(smiley face)UCK IT and scrapping the project altogether, or trying to sell it for nickels to dimes on the dollar. That however would be a hard pill to swallow, the chunk of change I would lose. Another option would be to move the build to CA or CO, to once again be in an environment that feeds my soul, to be home. It’s an option, but this would also cost me a chunk of change and I would lose a ton of time on the build doing so. I would have to pay to break my current shop lease and sign another hopefully short-term shop lease, which is hard/if not impossible to find and always takes months to make happen. My living situation would be similar, trying to find a short-term lease that would cost and arm and a leg. I would also have to move again and moves shops again, which is an absolute PITA and would cost additional time and money. Not to mention that I would also have to find another capable/qualified fab shop and paint/coating shop. You get the picture. The third option is to stay put, keep enduring everything that I have noted above, and hopefully grind out the build in the next six months. I have obviously chosen and have been choosing option three, to avoid the financial and temporal consequences noted above, and because of the many unfortunate events that have occurred throughout the build process. Unfortunate events that were often unknown and unforeseen and also often out of my control.
It's one of those unfortunate and sh(smiley face)itty time periods in one’s life, my life. The type that you make the best choice(s) that you can when each unfortunate event occurs, but the unfortunate events just unexpectedly keep coming. And when I say “best choice(s)”, what I really mean to say is the choice(s) with the least amount of sh(smiley face)itty consequences because there is no ideal, better, or best option, just a bunch of sh(smiley face)itty, disappointing and frustrating ones. A time period when you look back on it after the fact and just shake your head, because you would have made a completely different choice about the entire process (build/life) if you had known everything upfront.
Continued......
Originally this was supposed to go out the first or second week of January, but I’ve been sitting with it a bit. Pretend it went out the second week of January and it will make more sense. It’s going to be a long one!
It has been a long time since I have done a humanness check in. Better late than never!
Let me first start off by saying I hope everyone had a pleasurable and/or meaningful Christmas and New Year! The Holidays can be a mixed bag for people, but I’m rooting for the more hopeful side of things for everyone’s sake ! I have been pushing hard every day (12 hour days minimum) since I got back from Bali, which included straight through the Holidays.
I’ll have to admit that I have been unconsciously and consciously avoiding doing a humanness check in (the good old Sanity and/or Insanity Report 🤪). I’ll elaborate on the avoidance piece in a bit!
Not much has changed for me mentally, emotionally, physiologically and/or relationally since my previous check ins. It’s all the same stuff, just a bit worse/harder, because of the chronicity of it all. The build itself isn’t actually the hardest part of the process. Sure, putting in long days, virtually every day for almost two years now, and the sheer number of things I have to constantly research, design, engineer, fabricate and/or figure out how to build can be overwhelming. Sometimes I just simply want to get something done without having to go through an entire design-engineer-fabrication process. In addition, hand-built resin infused and/or vacuum bagged composite work, and the associated fairing/body work, simply takes forever. Also, add another forever, on top of the already forever, if you want professional/factory looking body work and associated paint/coating. Yes, all of this can wear me down, but this isn’t the toughest part of the build process for me.
The hardest part of this build is the amount of loneliness I feel 😢. The aloneness/loneliness is a combination of pretty much doing the entire build (labor of the build) by myself, not having a family/support system behind me and being in an environment that I would not otherwise be in. Working 12-hour days, seven days a week, in a shop by yourself gets old and lonely pretty quick. Because of the long hours, I leave the house after everyone has started their day and get home when everyone is in bed. My sleep cycle and work hours can also get jacked up if/when a composite layup drags into the wee hours of the night/morning. When this happens, another 16 to 20-hour day occurs. I’m currently on a wake up at 11am-12pm and go to bed at 3-4am cycle that I can’t seem to break because of the last composite all-nighter. Rinse and repeat, every day, week in and week out!
Talk to any professional business owner and/or athlete, anyone trying to accomplish a large, comprehensive and/or difficult/insurmountable feet, and they will often tell you that they have a team behind and with them. This team, if one is fortunate to have, includes not only a team of professionals, but also one’s family. These are people who not only get what you are trying to accomplish, have the actual practical professional experience and skills to help you get it done, but are also those who understand what the process will do to someone on a personal level and most importantly, get you on a personal level. They know not only how to climb Everest and have the equipment to do so, but also what the toll of climbing Everest will entail and how you specifically will be affected during the journey. They are there with you and for you through the good and bad times and in particular when you are in the trenches of the ick and the sh(smiley face)it! This is who you lean on when it is hard, you feel broken, you have nothing left to give and you want to quit. They drag you out of the muck and mud, give you a hug, give you a blanket and something to eat, and eventually put a smile back on your face so you can once again stand on your own two feet. I unfortunately don’t have the close/intimate family aspect of this support and only a little of it on the professional side.
As well as doing the physical work of the build by myself and the lack of a support system (family/team), the original and main driver/passion for the build was gone before the build even started🙁. My main motivation for the build was relational, to build a home for my partner and I, our little nest for traveling the Americas, a means for us to manifest and experience our personal and relational dreams. Sure, I’m capable of building this thing, but I was never super excited about just building an expedition vehicle. My excitement for the expedition vehicle, and willingness to climb Mount Everest (twice with no oxygen) in order to complete the build, was first and foremost for my relationship, then for outdoor adventure sports and international travel. When you lose the primary passion for the build before it even gets started and the second and third passion get pushed so far out because of how long the build is taking (2.5 years instead of 1 year max) you start to lose all passion for the build. You question, and also forget, why the hell you are even still doing the build. The build starts to simply become this material object you are killing yourself to complete for no real purpose and/or passionate/meaningful reason.
In addition to the factors noted above, now remove the environment one would consider home, and/or an environment that one would consider stimulating, and you really start to push the loneliness limits of the human psyche. As I have previously stated in other posts, taking a day off in my current environment is actually a bad thing for me. I feel worse when I take a day off, because I am simply reminded that I am in a city and state that isn’t for me. Rather than taking a day off to engage in some watered-down version of an experience that just leads to disappointment, sadness and frustration, I’d rather just get one more day in on the build. I’d rather be one more day closer to completing the build so I can move on. Another way of putting it is as simply as I can is, you wouldn’t take a creature that travels the vast ocean and place it in a fish tank meant for a studio apartment for 2.5 years.
This is the chronic psychic soup of distress and loneliness I am bathing in, that I’m saturated with.
Yes……, I know I always have a choice in the matter and in my life. I can easily remedy the whole psychic soup of loneliness and distress by simply pulling the plug on the build, saying F(smiley face)UCK IT and scrapping the project altogether, or trying to sell it for nickels to dimes on the dollar. That however would be a hard pill to swallow, the chunk of change I would lose. Another option would be to move the build to CA or CO, to once again be in an environment that feeds my soul, to be home. It’s an option, but this would also cost me a chunk of change and I would lose a ton of time on the build doing so. I would have to pay to break my current shop lease and sign another hopefully short-term shop lease, which is hard/if not impossible to find and always takes months to make happen. My living situation would be similar, trying to find a short-term lease that would cost and arm and a leg. I would also have to move again and moves shops again, which is an absolute PITA and would cost additional time and money. Not to mention that I would also have to find another capable/qualified fab shop and paint/coating shop. You get the picture. The third option is to stay put, keep enduring everything that I have noted above, and hopefully grind out the build in the next six months. I have obviously chosen and have been choosing option three, to avoid the financial and temporal consequences noted above, and because of the many unfortunate events that have occurred throughout the build process. Unfortunate events that were often unknown and unforeseen and also often out of my control.
It's one of those unfortunate and sh(smiley face)itty time periods in one’s life, my life. The type that you make the best choice(s) that you can when each unfortunate event occurs, but the unfortunate events just unexpectedly keep coming. And when I say “best choice(s)”, what I really mean to say is the choice(s) with the least amount of sh(smiley face)itty consequences because there is no ideal, better, or best option, just a bunch of sh(smiley face)itty, disappointing and frustrating ones. A time period when you look back on it after the fact and just shake your head, because you would have made a completely different choice about the entire process (build/life) if you had known everything upfront.
Continued......
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