**I type this with a disdainful and dismissive manner, opprobrium searing every keystroke in defence of your idealism and in opposition to the manner in which you have been so rudely mocked - my passionate typing inducing a rhythmic head bobbing resulting in emphatic waddle wobble whilst glaring through steel rimmed monocle at the screen**
My Dear Chap,
What? What! What the Dickens is with all the naysaying nincompoops popping up and peeing in this thread. My good man, My God Man!, hopefully someone of your refined sensibilities knows exactly how to treat the odious and bilious discontent - the malcontentment of the low classes, those chimney sweeps and other mindless, massing minions who seem to dominate this forum. That Blue fellow chief amongst them, I should say. ... 'Downstairs folk' trying to rise above their station, all of them. Shows a COMPLETE and damnable lack of civility and good manners - what would their Grand Mamas' think? Forget the plebeians, mere proletariat cattle lacking chattel, and let us discuss this like the honourable Patrician Gentlemen we so evidently are. People of a certain class recognise each other, Sir, and I recognise you.
So let me say I believe you are approaching this entirely the wrong way. Now, calm down, there's a good sport, and listen to me - I am perhaps the only person here besides you who really knows, well, anything. You have clearly shown so with your natural superiority and wit so I deign to respond to your open, honest and credulous request. Snort a dram of that 40yo Macallan, unless your nerve is up and you feel like a tipple of the good stuff to settle it, and let me speak my piece, or speak the peace as it may be... And, God knows it, you've earned the right to hear it.
You've had a hard life. Accept it and don't be ashamed. You endured that mildewy Etonian schooling in Britain where Daddy sent you for the indiscretion with that fine wait-servant pulchritude when you were 12 (bravo, bravo, rah, rah, early starter and all that!), and the drab, dreary and dull (yes, chum, positively DULL) Bostonian Experience. You should, instead of minimising your uplifting and benevolent presence, announce it as you embrace that sense of privileged cultural identity that has been instilled in you since you were a New Boy. Embrace that inculcated contempt for the societal norm which eschews the common man’s abhorrence for, say, a banker's fat pin stripes or a lawyer's wispy pencil moustache. Stand and declare yourself as a Man of means (I assume, good friend, that you are a Man if you know what I mean?), and a Man of intentions.
But as we (people like you and I, them out there ... not so much) know so well, if something is worth doing, it is worth doing to excess. So you have an ICON. Whoop. Big Whoop, even. Go big, nay, go BIGGER! Do not minimise the vehicle in any way, in doing so you merely minimise yourself, and what would Daddy say were he to see you not living to your full potential the life he gave you. Let your dream live.
Some unimaginative types here say paint it pearl. Right you are to repudiate that mediocrity. I say give a wide berth to such, how did you say, gauche, advice. Uncouth? Yes. Tacky? Absolutely. Enough? Not nearly, and you were right to say it. I say go ivory. Pah, I hear you squeak. But you misunderstand. I don’t say paint it ivory. I’m saying laminate that carbon fibre roof in real ivory. Nothing says class and refinement like hand crafted tuskwork.
The trimming and edge piping is where you can really make the difference. Because of your evident superior social status you will wish to restrict your interaction with the lower caste, and install narrow slits through which to brusquely issue directives, and generously allow people to touch your extended fingers, perhaps kiss them or suck on them a little. These slits can also be used to poke the barrel of your rifle through if you need to put them in their place and maybe cap an unruly few in the knee caps when they step out of line. You are taking a gun with you, aren’t you? Because we all know that international travel is dangerous and this is the best way to keep safe and prevent situations from escalating. Good humour is for the meek and unarmed.
Anyway, you can trim the ivory laminate with something which shows your contempt for money, and your contempt for those who don’t have any, by electroplating on some precious metal. Silver and gold are so 1990 for expedition vehicles, platinum was the noughties, now the twenteens is the era of palladium. I don’t know if you can electroplate palladium to carbon fibre, and doubt you know either, but ring the bell for your man-servant (so good he’s still with you after all these years) and have one of your team research it and just do it. This will stand out from those other Sub-Saharan Cruisers with their chrome and imitation ivory made from discarded (wilfully?) finger nails polished to a high gloss. Now that ridged, bumpy look that nail gives really is gauche.
The common people will celebrate your predilection for visual bombast, your pomp, your pageantry, your flair. Embrace them as they embrace you. Well, they will be reverential and want to touch your feet, don’t succumb to venal, corrupt carnality and emerge from your ICON to, you know, interact or, God forbid, touch them. Remember to maintain your dignity, and contemptuousness of their base need to worship someone. Accept your natural ascension to their idolatrous pantheon and simply toss a few high fructose corn syrup confectioner’s drops out the slit in your roof. Let the children scavenge your rewards and charity from the dirt as you pass. High fructose corn syrup has done wonders for American children, it’s about time you shared it with the big bellied little ones of Africa. If you feel like it maybe shoot one of their parents in the shoulder as you pass, to ensure that they understand that they are subject to your will and that you will not be openly questioned by those who do not understand the workings of your advanced intellect. Word of your generosity and well-deserved discipline will spread and the people shall come forth to greet you.
Be it thus that you let the border guards at those impoverished African way stations really know that they are privileged to stand, and bathe, and bask, in the beatific grace that shines whenever you turn around. You are right to want to demonstrate their insignificance and subservience to the greater goodness of your will. Follow this advice and you will truly get what is coming to you on your trip, and it shall be glorious for all to witness. It is the natural, Darwinian way of things that people like you get what you deserve. Remember that, embrace it, and enjoy it when the time comes. We all will.
Kind Regards,
Mostly Anonymous...
(but not really)
